Category Archives: Humour

My Cat’s Diet

My cat is awesome; beautiful and most likely would win a beauty pageant if cats’ have such a thing. Pukki has gotten a little fat over the last few years.

We also have a couple of dogs that chase our two cats daily. Oh, the cats love their safe areas and the dogs occasionally go out to their other kennel. The front yard is pet heaven. It is about the size of a football field and full of natural trees up here in Northern Ontario. A six foot fence stops our pets from leaving and also stops critters, like a very big bear from entering and eating all the apples. Our two dogs are not smart enough to dig under and our two cats aren’t smart enough to climb over (except once at the gate the old cat, Kiva did so we had to add chicken wire).


I have spoiled my cat, Pukki, somewhat traumatized by the dogs; mostly our Jack Russell Tuuli, I have given her extra food. This has gone on long enough, a couple of years that she cannot clean herself properly. This leaves me or my wife (my wife 95% of the time) to clean her butt. Then a trip to the vets and my Pukki had her pussy shaved. With one problem solved, now she was on a diet.


A few weeks go by and I am much disciplined only the allotted ½ cup of diet cat food a day. I can’t say I saw any noticeable change but I felt good. I hadn’t caved in to those eyes. It is simple. Don’t look into those sorrowful beautiful eyes and indeed I did not cave in.

Well, until I stepped into what I thought was maybe a grape, even though we hadn’t had any grapes lately. Yes, then a second latter, I had heard the sound before I froze. Like when you step on broken glass, you don’t move. I turn my dart board light on and to my horror I lifted up my big toe. A black redness of mouse intestines now was stuck to my toes. My cat had eaten everything except the intestines. I did what anyone would do. I panicked. I started playing Twister. Trying desperately to reach anything I could wipe this goo off my feet. I looked at my long underwear,(kind of cold the last few nights), so they were ready; but I couldn’t bring myself to use them. I also had my leg/knee wraps that I couldn’t bring myself to use either. I essentially stretched my toes and the intestines; I heaved down low enough to use a gum wrapper.

My lovely Pukki does on occasion, when she is on a diet, eat mice. The problem might be that the pet door that gives them access to the great big football field size yard. If my cat is to lose weight, I need to know: how many calories a mouse has?

Written by Barnwood/E.W. Rantala

Frank, the Preacher, and the Chainsaw from Hell

Recently married, my faith was to be tested. I married the preacher’s daughter, so I had more on the line then most. The family shared a secluded piece of property relatively close to Thunder Bay. Along the very busy Trans-Canada Highway, one would never guess what lies down a gated gravel road. Approximately 7 kilometres uphill then a drop down to McKenzie River Valley. So far inland through the thick mixed forest of the Canadian Shield, that one cannot hear the highway whine. Instead the rumble of trains on the CNN railroad and the occasional wolf’s howl.

I have walked, hiked, skied and driven this little stretch of road. When animals, birds or a scene captures your eye, you simply stop and enjoy without worry of traffic. Moose, hawks, porcupine, bear, Blue herons, beaver, Kingfishers, martens to list a few of the animals sighted.

The camp, an old log cabin built in 1976 by Frank and sons, was a large sauna, with a common area. Equipped with wood cook stove and wood sauna stove. With time passing, marriages and children, meant a new larger cabin needed to be built.

This is where I come in. Land needed to be cleared and with a forest in front of us, this, I was told, was to be where the lumber to build would come from. I also had a nice new ¾ ton truck which was to be used to hull the logs to a local saw mill back towards town, owned by Frank’s cousin. I really enjoyed physical work, having worked in construction and mining. I had no problem with cutting the logs needed for a cabin.

At first, I had little experience with chain saws or cutting trees. I would learn quickly with hundreds of trees needing to be milled into lumber. Being new with chainsaws, I stood a little puzzled when Frank started up the Husqvarna for me the first time. I watched this big, heavy, chainsaw rotate clockwise faster than a second hand. A refurbished Husky from the bush camps, this saw had seen better days. There was no idle. No brake. And a freshly sharpened chain honed down by Frank, who worked in the bush camps before becoming a Lutheran preacher. I was a little apprehensive but the pressure was on. I looked at Frank then down at the chainsaw. Taking a leap of faith, I reached down and grasped the spinning beast. The chainsaw with all its flaws, preformed like a hot knife through butter. The land was cleared, the lumber dried out and the new cabin has held many family gatherings. Best of all, I still have my fingers.

 

Written by Barnwood 57(E.W. Rantala)

Tigger

Tigger was the best pet a person could have in the world. A bold statement but by the end of this story you will see why. Tigger was a long haired, tan coloured, beautiful cat with a mane that would make lions jealous.
My father died at the age of sixty, in September 1981, while I was working down in the mine in Manitouwadge, a small town in Northern Ontario. A very heart breaking traumatic event that came suddenly and left my mother and family extremely heart broken. My parents were a close loving couple, not socializing much and had a tightly knit family. My father’s heart disease came as a complete surprise. A non-smoking, non-drinking, healthy, strong, Christian man who seemingly had no vices except his family. I had to go back to Manitouwadge to work in the mine leaving my siblings: Terry 18, Randy 16, and Pasty 14, because there was no work in my trade, drywall taping, in Thunder Bay.
A question came up in a game at a Christmas party: who is your hero? Without a doubt mine was my father. The Bobby Orr’s and Winston Churchill’s were no comparison. My mother and I still talk about my father from time to time but the rest of my siblings do not (at least to me). I think about my father quite a bit at work. Every time someone compliments me on the super quality of my work I always blame my father. He instilled my work ethic and I have always lived by it.
To try to ease the pain, my wife Sharon, who was my girlfriend at the time, gave my mother a kitten for Christmas named Lumikki, Tigger’s sister. She was a beautiful small long white haired bundle of joy. My family had never had any real pets. I have had a few in the past but nothing bigger than a hamster. My first pets were three small turtles all of which lasted only a few months. I was very young then and now I laughing say they all committed suicide. One jumped to his death from the kitchen table, one choked to death on a piece of food, a somewhat questionable suicide, and the last one drowned when he knocked over his little rock cave.
Many years later came a hamster that lasted about two years; a normal life expectancy for Hammy, the hamster. Hammy also got into mischief. A school friend Ralph thought of an ingenious way to make money. He wanted to mate his male hamster with mine. When they were put in the cage together, Hammy bite his male hamsters balls. So went our great money making scheme to sell baby hamsters.
I also had gotten a small aquarium in which I put about a dozen clusters of frog eggs which I found at a nearby pond. They all hatched and grew nicely until the transition stage between tadpole and frog. Some managed to jump out and the water had gotten a little stinky so my sweet mother flushed them all down the toilet much to my horror.
Lumikki was hardly a replacement for a loving husband and father but she did ease the pain if only in the slightest way for my family. Where does Tigger fit into the picture? Tigger was the brother of Lumikki, a litter of only two. Tigger was supposed to keep Sharon’s Grandma and Uncle Donald company. But he was too much for her grandma to keep up with this lively little kitten, so I inherited Tigger. I was still working in Manitouwadge for about six month after receiving Tigger and only returned home on the weekend. My mom, Sharon and her family looked after Tigger while I was away.
When I gave up my mining career and moved back to Thunder Bay, Tigger and I soon became best friends. I purchased and moved to Sharon’s grandmother’s farm house in the country and Tigger certainly loved his new liberty. He now had freedom to roam around chasing birds and mice. The old house was infested with mice running rampant, inside the walls. In about a week or so the walls became silent and Tigger grew a little fatter.
Tigger throughout his life remained a kitten; he was always ready to play and never seemed to tire of it. Chasing toys and batting ping pong balls for hours on end. He could catch food, namely “Pounce”, and hold it, like a squirrel eating a nut, in his paws. His acrobatic skills were next to none. Staying at an optimum weight of around nine pounds, he could jump and climb almost anything. During the first spring we lived at our home, Tigger managed to scale up the barn wall and destroy every last barn swallow. Six nests in all that housed babies and adults were no more. I felt bad but that is a cat’s nature and an efficient kill he was. The death toll inflicted by Tigger was staggering. Saddam Hussein would have been proud decorating him with honours.
In his relentless pursuit of all creatures big and small, I soon learned there were at least four or five different species of mice, proudly lining the steps for all to see. After displaying the victims, some still alive with broken bones, various parts would be eaten. One type of mouse would be eaten whole, another only the head and yet another everything but the guts. Tigger knew which parts were tonic and which were not.
Besides mice, numerous other animals were killed; bats, snakes, a few fat moles, squirrels, chipmunks, numerous species of birds – including a narrow miss of a partridge that I witnessed, frogs, toads and insects – all fell victim to this little killer. Tigger also got into his share of fisticuffs with others, coming back with cuts, scratches and bite marks.
Tigger could leap amazing distances. With the garage doors wide open, eight or nine feet wide and eight feet up he calmly sprang from one side to the other. The big old birch tree in the backyard was also a challenge to be conquered. The tree forked into three sections and way up some sixty or seventy feet he jumped from one branch to the other. How far only a guess, maybe fifteen feet or son. At times like those he seemed more monkey than cat.
Tigger loved to be one his own outside but also like my company. If I was doing chores or walking around he would always follow, keeping me company. I had to be careful splitting firewood for he trusted me and wandered around the wood piles. I would turn around to see him sitting on a log about to be spilt. I always had Tigger to cuddle up with laying on the couch. Enough even to make my wife jealous sometimes. I gave Tigger lots of leftovers and yes, I favoured and spoiled him.
Unlike other cats, Tigger liked car rides and would visit his and my friends from time to time. He used to sit on the dash of the van watching the scenery wiz by. When Sharon & I got married; with all the commotion that goes with weddings, plus we had gotten a new kitten, Tigger ran away or was kidnapped for three weeks. On a hunch to go to the pound and find a suitable replacement, Sharon found him on the last day on death row. He was spared and returned home. He had sustained a broken back leg that had healed nicely one its own. God was with us and him on that day. He had been found nine miles away from home with his broken leg.
Tigger and Spike, the new kitten, got along well together. Spike grew to weight double Tigger weight but Spike was no match for Tigger. Tigger was a hardened warrior and would chase Spike biting and swiping at his back legs till Spike screamed in agony. They were the best of pals helping each other in battles and hunting. They would sleep together and clean each other whenever they were laying around.
To another person Tigger was just a cat. But to me he was a dear friend and companion, whom I miss dearly. Tigger went missing back in the fall of 1994, presumably eaten by some coyote that had killed a number of other cats. Tigger was a tough cat, as tough as they come. I know he did not go down without a good fight if that is what took his life. That is one of the qualities I like about him.
Tigger for story

He lived a reasonable long life for a cat and I will always remember him. I deeply wish I could have buried him as I buried my dog Boris. I didn’t show a lot of affection towards Boris in front of people but did when no one was around. I have cried for my pets especially Tigger but as men do I like to do my suffering alone. Tigger will always have a special place in my heart. I truly miss him. Today I buried my cat in a sense. A marker resides now next to Boris in his memory.

By Barnwood
(Written over 20 years ago)

Indigestible

The winter months of waiting were over. The package of fishing equipment had arrived at my friend’s house. It took many months, but as promised on the back of an “Incredible Hulk” comic book was the advertisement promising: 1001 Fishing Pack! Everything you needed to reel the big one in. Three rods, three reels, fishing line, hundreds of hooks, sinkers, lures, jig bodies and even jars of bait- minnows floating with frozen eyes in liquid. All for $9.99. Could there really be 1001 fishing items for that price? I didn’t believe the claims, after all along side of it was an ad for sea monkeys, dried in a package ready to be brought back to life! I was eager to see my friends face (let’s call him Ed). I was sure it was mostly junk and useless to true fishermen like us. To my dismay there was some good merchandise in the box, well worth the 10 bucks to a twelve and a thirteen year old. I’m still sure the dried sea monkeys were a scam.

Now that we had our fishing gear it was time to finish the plans for our trek across the two towns; Port Arthur and Fort William, then on to Chippewa Park. Our destination was about 10 kilometres outside of Fort William on the shores of Lake Superior. The bike ride alone would take all afternoon through the narrow streets in the hot June sun. A quick check: Bicycles – yes, sleeping bags – yes, the ten dollar package of fishing equipment – yes – and we were off! Some 30 kilometres from our houses to the park was a relatively short ride compared to a few others we had adventured on. It was only one night, no need to carry extra gear.

A quick swim in chilly Lake Superior to cool off upon arrival then it was time to put the gear together to go fishing. The park was quiet before the summer July rush, even the rides that accompanied the small zoo weren’t yet running until Canada Day. We walked along the sandy shoreline thick with reeds. A very good area for early large Northern Pike spawning and warming up from the frigid waters of Lake Superior. The water was crystal clear. The sandy beach littered with drift wood logs.

We had managed a few small fish each when I noticed Ed straining and grimacing trying to get off a snag. I yelled over, “Just get in the water and get it off the log. It’s not deep.” I could see the red and white dare devil lure moving away slowly. Ed was frantic. The log started to move slowly at first. For a few seconds I was puzzled. Then in the clear water I saw the large, wide eyes staring back at me from the reeds. A pike so big it looked like one of the many scattered dead wood logs along the grassy shoreline. “It’s huge, Ed! What are you going to do?!” I uttered.

The massive fish turned slowly, only slightly annoyed at Ed’s attempts to change its direction. Gaining speed the beast swam parallel to the shoreline. Ed started to trot, then jog. He was running out of line. The Pike stopped, turned, looked at Ed’s rod bent almost in a circle. It cracked the fiberglass rod under the strain. A quick S-shaped thrust of its tail, the fish stripped the gears of the rod. Then snapped the line in a long streaming run before disappearing into the depths of Lake Superior. Ed crashed backwards, his small young teenage body was no match for the biggest Northern Pike I had ever seen still to this day!

Ed was, of course, in shock. “How, why, what..?” barely able to speak he finally roared “Did you see the size of that fish?!”

“I did and it didn’t want any part of you.” I plopped down beside him. I calmed him down eventually, explaining that with his equipment plus the fact the fish looked like it weighed more than he did, catching such a prize would have been impossible.

I’m sure his dreams of “the one that got away” were interrupted by the crash of thunder and the downpour of rain. The huge thunderstorm soaked us each in our own sleeping bags while the middle of the campground became a wading pool. Two shivering and soaked boys braving the night without a tent, covered their heads and tried to sleep.

Drying our sleeping bags in the morning sun gave us time to fish before the trek home. I now know, after years of fishing, that big fish bite best before a thunderstorm. Ed did not ever see his monster fish again but he did bring in a nice 5 pound Northern Pike. It was the right size for eating and Ed was going to get his mother to cook it that very night. He was happy and eager; a fish and his tall tale to tell his family.

By the time we reached his house after another long bike ride, mainly uphill, on a hot June sunny day, the fish in his bicycle basket had dried up some. Ed insisted it could be salvaged. The whole family gathered around to watch Ed’s mother dissect the fish. She was from the old country and not afraid of a little blood and guts. “Let’s see what’s in the stomach,” I exclaimed pointing at the bulge.

Screaming and wailing, a hairy rodent protruded out of her first slice into the stomach. We ducked from her fillet knife as Ed’s mom flailed her arms around. Once the mayhem was over and Ed’s mother was sitting at the kitchen table safely no longer hyperventilating, an angry look came over her face. “Get it out of my kitchen!” She ordered him to get rid of the contents of the guts, muskrat and all! Poor Ed, his mother was in such a state, he had to throw out his prized catch too!

Written by Barnwood 57

New Skates

Here in Canada, Hockey is what everyone likes to talk about: “When will the next Canadian team will win The Cup?” When I was young, very young, they only had 6 teams in the NHL. My father’s team was the Montreal Canadians. Mine was and still is, the Boston Bruins. Of course my favourite was Bobby Orr, the greatest Canadian Hockey Player ever! Growing up in this culture fueled my interest to play hockey but… I didn’t know how to skate.

I finally found the courage and money to buy skates. I was fifteen. I wanted to catch up to the skill level of those kids who were born with skates on. The decision was made and I bought my first (and only) goalie skates. I reasoned that goalies don’t have to know how to skate well. I should fit right in!

So excitedly, I started walking around the house with my new skates. I went outside to slide around the driveway, when I noticed a hard crust had formed on the snow. A melting freezing pattern had created an icy surface making it possible to skate all over the back yard. I spent hours circling, zigzagging, crisscrossing the yard. This lasted a few days before the ice gave way. No problem. I was full of confidence to head to one of the numerous outdoor rinks dotting the neighbourhood.

The first few times at the rink were during blizzard conditions, when no one could see my clumsiness. I had improved enough to go skating with my friend John and his little brother, Peter. Both played hockey; my friend a good defenceman. As more kids showed up we made two teams mixing up ages and abilities to be fair.

Going straight – not a problem. Turning. Stopping. That was a problem. Even the smallest kids were so much better than I. That was until I noticed. There was something different with everyone’s skates. Theirs were sharp. You mean I have to sharpen my skates before I use them?!

Does that explain why my ankles were flopping back and forth like an umbrella in a thunder storm? YES!!

By Barnwood

No Dogs or Cats

After weeks of whining I was finally going to get my first pet. My parents had said, “No dogs or cats. You have to take care of it. ” What can I get and what can this ten year old boy look after? I wandered through the pet store with my money jingling in my pocket. My first thoughts were of fish; nah, kind of boring just swimming of circles. My focus was now on the turtles. Three small green painted turtles, a glass bowl, water and a few rocks and I had my first pets.

The first day was fun, letting them crawl around, taking great care of their wellbeing. The first chocked to death on a piece of food. Carefully cutting the meat into smaller pieces, I was sure the other two were in good hands!

To my horror, the next morning, the second turtle had drowned. The precisely placed rocks had given way, trapping my turtle underneath. Poor guy. I recovered quickly. All my attention now on the remaining turtle.

So let’s see. The first one chokes to death, the next one drowns and the third… the third turtle was so traumatized with the recent events, watching his dear friends perish… the last of my little green pets committed suicide.

Rearranging the rocks that had entrapped turtle two, (I hadn’t had time to name any of them yet), had made it easy for turtle three to climb out and jump over the side. Splat on the kitchen floor all I heard.

Within three days all three pets had perished. Maybe Mom and Dad will let me get a hamster? But that’s another story…

By Barnwood

Butt Cheeks

I want to talk to you about butt cheeks, specifically, mine. My tale is this: I ask how much do you pay attention to butts? I have to be honest, I have looked at a lot of female behinds in my day, but have paid zero attention to my own behind.

This little tale is about my butt or rather the disappearance of my comfy cushion, let me sit anywhere in comfort, from the hardest wooden stool to, well, a rock. I never thought anything about this. You just sat down on your butt.

I was startled on fine day, after wiping my butt successfully, to find some of it had disappeared. I’m sure it was noticeable in the preceding weeks, but it was that specific wipe that had me shivering. I had lost a lot of weight in a few short months. No diet or secret. I simply gave up sugar and a few carbs. So voila! Now I look better, sort of. My pants don’t fill out anymore.

Now I constantly shift from one cheek to the next, trying to get comfortable. I’ve stopped looking for the softest seat in the house and started carrying this donut to sit on. It was either that or strap a pillow to my backside. I do get a lot of strange looks but the alternative would be to go back to sugar to fill out my sugar butt.

By Barnwood

I Saved a Life Today

I did save a life today in my dog’s water bowl. This was not just any life, oh, no! This little teeny brown wood frog was struggling; nostrils barely above the surface swimming the sidestroke… I thought I saw a smile when Timmy, yeah, I named him, Timmy was air lifted out.

Timmy was not even and inch long, but I found a new home where he lives today. A little pond in the front yard teaming with mosquito larva and a granite rock to sun on appears to have given Timmy a second chance.

Any questions can be related to Timmy by yours truly. You know like what colour are your eyes? or How many mosquitoes have you eaten today? or How did you end up almost drowning in a dog’s water dish bowl?
Unless you want to talk to Harold, the garter snake, who lives under my steps.